Visions of Angels
by jarielynn
Summary: Sam can't deal with what he has done. All he can think about is Ruby and the blackness. He hides it from Dean, blows it off as nothing, but he is slowly falling apart. Haven has been kicked out of Heaven. She's not sure why, but she ends up on an old, dark road cold and alone. Her powers are weak, but she can still sense when someone needs her. **No Dean/Cas nonsense here!
1. Chapter 1

The Impala cruised down the dark highway as the radio softly played Dean's regular round of classic rock. Sam stared out at the black night, unhearing, his mind someplace else. He would never be the same person he once was. His entire life was down the drain. First he had lost Jess, then his dad, now…. Hell, now he'd lost himself. Somewhere along the way he'd lost his soul.

If only he could get back on track to somehow to get Dean's trust back, to make a difference again. Wearily, he rubbed his eyes, a long sigh escaping his lips.

"You alright, over there?" Dean asked, glancing his way.

Sam shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, just tired." The lie came easily.

"We'll stop soon. Just a few more miles to town."

There was no job to tend to, no demon to kill. It was quiet. A little too quiet for Sam's taste, yet he would take it. He needed a rest. The bright pink neon sign lit up the road ahead. _The Flamingo _looked like a classy joint, one of those pay by the hour motels. Didn't really matter as long as he could sleep.

Dean shut off the car and got out, Sam followed suit. He stayed by the car as Dean went inside to get a room. Habit had him scanning the parking lot and balcony's for anything strange, but all looked normal. Hands in his pockets, leaning against the Impala he shut his eyes for a moment. That was all it took for her image to fill his mind. _Ruby_. His stomach churned and he felt like he was going to puke. It made him sick that she was the last woman he was with. No, not a woman- a**_ demon_**. He'd had sex with a demon.

"Sammy, we're upstairs, room 212." Dean popped the trunk and grabbed a few things to take inside. "There's a diner a few blocks down. I'm starving. You in?" Sam shook his head. The thought of food turned his stomach. He just wanted a bed. They walked up the stairs and Dean opened the door. "Suit yourself. Me, I could use a cheeseburger, and maybe a slice of pie." Sam nodded as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Damn, you look like hell. You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Go eat. I'm going to crash." The bed felt like heaven as he laid back; his back and neck muscles already relaxing. Sam heard the door latch as his eyes shut.

_Ruby rose over him. His breath caught in his throat as she moved forward. The power surged through him as they locked eyes. An undeniable current bucked his hips off the bed. His mouth fell open, her eyes turned black. Wails and sounds of misery filled the air. It took him a moment to realize they were coming from him. Tension built inside him, his muscles clenched. His hands clasped her hips tightly pulling her to him. White hot heat filled his chest and he couldn't breathe. She smiled at him, and threw her head back yelling his name. Then blackness as unbelievable pain made him scream._

"Sam! Sammy! Wake up!" Sam's eyes opened, and he blinked, sitting up and staring at Dean. "What the hell were you dreaming about? You were screaming so loud, I could hear you outside."

Running a hand through his hair, Sam looked down at the sheets. His mouth was dry, and he licked his lips before answering. "Nothing…. It was nothing." His body shuddered. Quickly pushing himself off the bed, he darted past Dean and into the bathroom.

The water was hot as it ran over his head and down his back. He scrubbed furiously, Ruby's stench still filling his nostrils. The damn dream had been so real. God, would it ever stop? His fingers dug into his scalp and he wished he could tear out every memory of her… about what he had done. He stayed in the shower until the water turned cold, and then reluctantly turned it off.

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he went back out into the room. Dean was sitting at the table and looked up at him, worry plainly written across his face. "When are you going to tell me what's up with you?" Sam grabbed his jeans and t-shirt and slipped them on. "I thought we were through with this whole keeping secrets deal, remember? We're going to work as a team… together."

"Dean. I can't… talk about it. It's not important. It won't change anything or affect me out on a job." He couldn't tell his brother about this. He wouldn't understand. Dean still didn't trust him and if he knew Sam was dreaming about Ruby… well, that would be the end of it.

Dean eyed Sam skeptically, but before he could speak his phone rang. Breathing a sigh of relief, Sam finished getting dressed and brushed his teeth. "That was Bobby," Dean said. "He wanted to know if we had any leads. Things are too quiet. He's getting twitchy."

Bobby was right. A few days off should be a good thing, but it wasn't. Not now. Now, it meant they were up to something. Sam wondered if it had anything to do with him. It was just a matter of time now until Lucifer found him. Then, he didn't know what he would do.

Sam popped open his lap top and began to search through newspapers, magazines, and news reports. If anything unusual was going on somewhere it should be reported.

The day turned into night, and still Sam hadn't found anything. Frustrated and tired of staring at the computer screen, he closed and went for a walk outside. There was a soda machine down the hall and he could use a Coke. Unfortunately, the stupid machine took his money but didn't give him a soda. Giving it a swift kick, he turned and stared up at the night sky. His vision blurred and he fell backwards, his head hitting the vending machine. Slowly, he slid down landing ass down on the pavement. "Damn it!" Shaking his head, he rubbed his eyes and blinked before looking back out at the road. It was still hard to focus. "What the hell?" he muttered, squinting. There was something there, if he could just make it out. His heart began to race. He could feel it slamming against his chest. Gasping, he called out. "Dean!" It came out as a croak as he lost all air. Blackness surrounded him, and his last thought was of the pain.

Confusion and sadness overwhelmed Haven as she fell. Did she deserve this? All she'd wanted was to understand what was happening. All she'd needed was to talk to her father. She hit the ground hard. It was so cold and wet. Why had this happened? What was she going to do?

The loud scream piercing the air jolted her upright. What was that? There again. It was a call of pain; she recognized the sound. Standing on shaking legs Haven walked towards the source of the noise. It rang in her ears, the man's screams were earth shaking. When she reached him, she knelt beside him. Such awful sorrow emanated from him. Her eyes welled with tears as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. I will help you." Closing her eyes, she swept a hand over his forehead. "Shhh… I am here." His name was Sam, and he was dying inside. His soul was shriveled and tired. "Sam." Her fingers brushed through his hair as he continued to scream. "Sam," she whispered. He had been through so much, the scars were everywhere. He could not forgive himself for his sin. "You can be forgiven, Sam. All you have to do is ask." A song came to her, soft and sweet she hummed.

Slowly, he began to relax - his muscles unwinding, his heartbeat calming. He was in no condition to walk; Haven would have to seek help. "I must leave you." He whimpered pitifully. "I will come back with assistance." The name came to her. "Dean. I will go get Dean."

Standing, Haven concentrated on the face she had seen, the man named Dean. Her body swayed and shimmered, but she stayed where she was. Frowning, she tried again. Nothing. She should have been able to go right to him. Her powers were weakening. Looking around, she spotted the bright light just down the road. That must be it. Checking on Sam once more, she glanced about. She had nothing to protect him with. The light was not that far away, perhaps she could send out a call of distress. Closing her eyes tightly, she thought long and hard, picturing Dean she called to him, feeding him Sam's image.

She had no way of knowing if it worked. Sadness settled in the pit of her stomach. This was how it was to be. Abandoned, left alone with weakening powers. She wanted to let her sorrow overtake her. But she had to help the man first. Sitting next to him again, she touched his forehead and for the first time really looked at a human's face, not just their soul. He really was beautiful. She could see why her father loved them so much. His hair was soft and fell around his face, long eyelashes brushed against his cheeks. She wondered what his eyes looked like. Were they blue, green, or maybe brown? His lips were pink and full, no longer grimacing like when she first saw him, but relaxed in sleep. Looking down the road, she called again to Dean. It seemed easier this time while she was touching Sam.

Minutes later, lights shone brightly on them. She did not want Dean to see her, so she stood and ran away, hiding behind a tree. She watched as the car slid to a stop and Dean jumped out. "Sam!?" He checked Sam over and then awkwardly lifted him off the ground. He half carried, half drug Sam to the car.

As they drove away, Haven found herself alone again and with nothing else to think about, she gave in to her grief.

She sat, leaning on the tree for days. She had nowhere to go. Her gown grew wet and dirty, her hair clung to her face and hung down in clumps. She was so tired… so very tired. She slept often. She knew she should get up, but she lacked the will. If she just stayed here, maybe they would come for her. That, or maybe she would eventually just fade away.

But she didn't fade away, and no one came for her so there she stayed. If she only had something to live for, someone who needed her.


	2. Chapter 2

After two days of sleep, Sam came to. Wearily, he opened his eyes and looked around the hospital room. The first person he saw was Bobby. He was reading a book. Dean was at the door, leaning on the jam. He looked awful. Frowning, Sam croaked, "Dean. Are you sick?"

Dean's head jerked up, and his eyes widened. "Son of a Bitch."

Bobby leaned forward and took Sam's hand. "We'd thought we lost you."

The nurse rushed in before he could ask any questions. After making Bobby and Dean leave, she checked him over once and put a call in to the doctor. Shaking her head she fluffed the pillows behind his head and gave him a smile. "They were so worried about you." She gave him a cup of water, and watched as he drank. "You really scared them the way you kept mumbling about heaven."

Sam shrugged, and wondered what she meant. He didn't remember saying anything.

It didn't take long to get released. Dean wasn't too happy at Sam's insistence to get out of the hospital, but he figured they could go to Bobby's and he would be just fine there.

Once at Bobby's, Dean drove him crazy, hovering around him constantly, treating him like he was a kid again. He was driving Sam nuts. When Dean followed him into the bathroom, it was the last straw. "Dean! Really?"

"Yeah, alright. Sorry." Dean backed out, still looking apprehensive and worried.

Sam heard them arguing when he came out a few minutes later. He was drying his hair after a much needed shower, when Bobby's voice echoed up the hallway. "You, idgit. You can't make him stay here. You know he won't go for that."

"Damn it, Bobby," Dean said. "I have to do something. He won't tell me what's going on. What if it's the demon blood? There's something wrong; I can feel it. He wakes up screaming; he blacks out. Hell, this time he ended up a mile from the hotel. What if it happens again? What if I can't find him the next time? I need to go back to The Flamingo. See if I can find any clues as to how he ended up passed out on the side of the road. I need you to keep him here."

Sam had heard enough. Stepping into the kitchen he glared at Dean. "What are you doing?"

Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Shit."

"Yeah, I heard you. You're not leaving me here." Throwing the towel on a chair, Sam leaned back on the counter and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I'd like to know the answers as much as you. Last I remember I was looking up at the sky, then I got dizzy and... woke up in the hospital."

"You don't remember anything that happened on that road?" Bobby asked.

"No."

"Well, in the hospital you seemed to think you had gone to heaven. You sure did mumble it enough."

A soft, sweet voice filled Sam's ears. Singing... a girl singing. "Not heaven, something else." Rubbing his forehead, Sam looked at the other two men in the room who were staring at him like he'd gone crazy. "What?"

Dean threw his hands in the air. "This! This is why you need to stay here."

Sam scowled. "What are you talking about?"

"Boy, you just zoned out for about thirty seconds. You didn't even blink," Bobby said.

Closing his eyes, Sam nodded. "Look, I get it, but I'm fine and I'm not staying here. We'll go checkout the hotel. If anything weird starts to happen. I'll let you know."

"Yeah, right. Like you've been so forth coming so far," Dean mumbled grabbing his jacket and sliding it on.

The hotel looked exactly the same as when they'd been there last week. They were able to get the same room. Dean ran an EMF check and found nothing. There were no traces of sulfur. Sam interviewed a few guests and employees. No one remembered anything strange happening that night. Nothing new had been reported. It was just an ordinary hotel.

Frustrated, Sam slammed the door closed and threw his jacket on the bed. Dean arched an eyebrow at him. "Did you really expect to find anything?"

"No, but... damn it, Dean. What the hell? How did I get from the coke machine to the damn road?"

"Maybe you just walked." Dean sat down on the bed as he watched Sam.

"I don't remember doing that."

"Doesn't mean you didn't do it." They were both staring at the floor when Dean asked, "Is it the blood?"

"What?" Sam asked exasperated.

"The demon blood. Are you craving it? Cause, you know, Sam I'll have to…"

"What? What will you _have_ to do, Dean? Lock me up again? Follow me everywhere like I'm a child?" Sam paced the room, pissed off that they were going there again.

"Then what is it? Talk to me."

"It's Ruby."

"We killed that bitch."

"I know." Sam stopped and looked out the window. His fingers nervously tapped don the pane of glass as he contemplated telling Dean the truth. Letting out a slow breath, he turned around. "I see her."

"What?"

"I see Ruby all the damn time. I dream about her every time I fall asleep. She's here," Sam pressed his finger against his forehead, "when I'm awake." Dean stared, speechless; his lips pressed tightly together. Rolling his eyes, Sam shook his head. "You know what, forget it."

"Forget it? Are you crazy?" Dean scanned his brother quickly, "Do you see her now?"

"No. Not since I woke up at the hospital." Grabbing his gun, Sam tucked it into his pants. "There's nothing to see here." As he turned to go, the room began to spin. Reaching out he grabbed the chair to steady himself.

"Sam?" Dean's voice sounded distorted and slow. The room was changing, the walls were black, and the window had a green curtain. It looked familiar.

_"Hello, Sam." Ruby looked up from the bed and smiled. She was holding a knife and slowly, drawing it across her arm. Her blood ran down her skin and dripped onto the grey sheets. "You're weak, Sam. You need your strength."_

_"NO. No. What's going on. Where am I? Where's Dean?" _

_"Dean's not here. He left you. He didn't trust you. Come here, Sam," she commanded. _

_Sam's eyes clenched shut and he swallowed thickly. "No," he whispered. _

On the other side, Dean watched as Sam collapsed. "Sam!" he knelt beside him, and grabbed his shoulders. "Sam!" Sam's eyes rolled in back of his head and panic set in as Sam seized up and began to convulse. Sitting back on his heals; Dean grabbed his phone and called Bobby.

_"Yes." Ruby moved to stand next to Sam. "Here." She held her wrist up to Sam's mouth. _

_Sam dropped to his knees, shaking his head. "Leave me alone. You're not real. You can't be here. We killed you."_

_Ruby laughed, "I'll never leave you, Sam. Never."_

_Horrified, Sam raised his eyes to hers. "Please." The blood touched his lips and he shuddered, his mouth involuntarily opening. Ruby pressed her wrist in tighter. His hand went up, holding her to him as he began to suck. Tears ran from his eyes, pooling on his chin before dripping wetly on his shirt. _

Haven awoke with a start. There it was again, that cry of pain, the same she had heard the night she had fallen. Stiffly, she rose from her spot by the tree. The immense pain and sorrow surrounded her as she walked toward it. The sensation strengthened when the building came into site. Agony ripped through her and she doubled over, panting. She had to find the source! So much anguish for one soul. She remembered the name and called out "Sam!"

A loud boom filled the room and Dean dropped the phone, falling backwards. The furniture shook as the sound reverberated again. The door flew open and a girl stood there. She was covered in grime, her face barely discernible, but her eyes were bright.

Haven didn't even notice Dean in her haste to help Sam. Going straight for him, she realized too late that there was someone else in the room.

Dean tackled her to the floor and held her down. "Get away from my brother!" A piercing noise made Dean cover his ears and release Haven. He rolled on the floor, wincing.

Haven crawled over to Sam and placed her hand on his head. Shuddering, she closed her eyes and concentrated. She needed more. She arranged herself around Sam's form; every piece of her touched him. She sang softly in his ear.

_A light appeared behind Ruby, soft and white. It beckoned to Sam. As he stared at it, some of his shame lifted. Releasing Ruby's wrist, he stood and stepped around her. He could feel Ruby grab onto him and try and pull him back, but the light was stronger. It spoke of peace and forgiveness. He stepped into it and it surrounded him. His head fell back, and his body relaxed. _

Haven clung to the soul, pulling him back to where he was supposed to be. She felt when he reentered his body. Smiling softly, she tried to rise up, but she was too weak. Her eyes moved around the room and found Dean. He was sitting on the floor, knees to his chest, staring wide-eyed at them. She smiled at him, "He will be okay now." Her words made Dean cringe and hold his ear. She recalled he was human and could not hear her. She had a human form, but her voice was that of the angels. She tried to think how to communicate with him, but she was so tired. It had taken all her strength to help Sam.

She looked down at Sam's face, her finger tracing over his cheek and jaw. He was at rest now. Her head ached dully, and she struggled to keep her eyes open. She enjoyed looking at his face. It was as beautiful as his soul. If only he could see that, then he would not have so much sadness in him. Laying her head on his chest, she glanced at Dean one last time as sleep over took her. He was praying for someone to appear. Did he say Castiel?


	3. Chapter 3 (Revised)

Sam groaned as he rolled on his side. He felt like he had been through a war; his entire body ached. Rubbing his eyes, he slowly sat up on the side of the bed. Someone, who wasn't Dean, was in the bed next to his. He could see light blonde hair sticking out from under the top of the sheet. Standing, he took a step forward, looking to see who it may be.

"She is my sister." Startled, Sam glanced at Castiel, who had suddenly appeared, standing at the end of the bed. Sam gently moved the cover down, his fingers brushing over her shoulder. Warmth spread up his arm. He jerked his hand back and looked at Cas questionably. "Haven is a healer of souls. You sense her power."

"She's an angel." Sam stared down at one of the most serene faces he had ever seen. It was as if she radiated light and goodness. This is the way he had always pictured angels, as something pure and beautiful.

"That's obvious." Dean said as he walked in the door. "I'm just wondering what she is doing here and what exactly she did to you." He placed a few plastic grocery bags on the table. The smells of fried chicken filled the room and Sam's stomach rumbled. He felt like he hadn't eaten in days.

Sitting down at the table, Sam devoured most of the food Dean had bought as Dean and Cas went outside. Sam was used to feeling excluded from their talks. At first it felt strange, he'd wanted to get to know the angel, understand him. But there was some type of bond between Cas and Dean that he had come to accept. Dean needed someone like Cas, someone he could depend on. Sam knew Dean didn't rely on him anymore. He'd screwed up too many times.

A small sigh came from the bed. Turning in his chair, Sam was met with a set of vivid blue eyes. "Why do you do that?" Haven asked.

Shaking his head, Sam asked, "What?"

"Hurt yourself. You have ripped your own soul many times with your self-hatred." Haven sat up, the blanket falling around her waist. Yawning, she looked down at herself. "I'm clean?" Pulling off her blanket, she wiggled he toes, a small laugh bubbling in her throat. "And you can understand me." Standing, she smiled brilliantly. "Castiel is here."

Sam's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. Words escaped him. The white gown she wore swirled around her, her hair fell in waves to her waist and her smile lit up the whole room… literally. His eyes watered and he swallowed thickly. After so much darkness, to see something like her was overwhelming.

Castiel walked in, and Haven cried out, running to him. "My brother." One of her own was here, a beloved member of her family. Her feeling of abandonment and loss lessened a little as he hugged her tightly.

"Come, sit down and tell me what has happened. Why are you here Haven?" Gently, Cas lead her to the table where she had a seat beside Sam.

"One of our brothers was in pain." Haven frowned, thinking of Thomas and his despondency. "I wanted to help him, but there were others there that would not let me. I didn't understand." She looked at Castiel. "They said Father did not want me to. I wished to see him, to know what I should do. Before I could go, they pushed me out. Our brothers and sisters pushed me out." Her face filled with confusion and grief. "I fell, and landed here." She looked over at Sam, and her voice whispered slightly in his head. "I found you that night, in the dark. Your heartache called to me."

Sam looked down at his hands. It had been her voice he had heard. She was the one who sung to him. He glanced at the others, but no one else had heard what she said. She had a calming effect on them all. Even Dean stared at her with a look of awe on his face. He seemed at a loss for words, which for Dean meant something.

Dean's phone went off and he tured away from them answering. "Yeah? Okay… where?" He hung up and glanced at Sam. "We got a job." Nodding to Haven, he asked, "Can you do the same mojo thingy that Cas does?"

"She can't," Cas answered for her. "I can take her."

"We gotta go to Frenchtown, New Jersey. There's been a string of strange deaths there Bobby thinks we should look into. It's about a days drive from here." Dean slipped on his jacket and grabbed his keys.

Sam took one last look at Haven, gave her a small smile and stood, following his brother outside.

"Those two…" Haven whispered, giving Cas a look.

"I know," he sighed heavily.

"Castiel, I've never seen anything like this, on earth or in heaven. They both are wounded. It hurts to sit next to them. Dean seems the stronger of the two…. But I sense that relies entirely on his brothers well being. Sam is badly damaged. It's awful."

Castiel placed his hand on her arm. "Don't get too close, Haven."

"Don't get too close? Castiel, I see the way you care for Dean. Maybe you should follow your own advice."

"They are destined to die."

"No," Haven shook her head, and pushed away from the table.

"They are the vessels."

"What!?"

"Michael and Lucifer's vessels."

Closing her eyes, Haven took in a deep breath, silently denying what Castiel was saying. "They have already done so much, suffered so much."

"Will you be staying with us?"

"Of course. I am made to go where I am needed and they need me." She looked up at Castiel, her eyes swimming with tears. "_I_ need _you_. Everyone else has abandoned me. Please, don't do the same."

"I won't."

"Thank you. I need a moment alone." Haven walked outside; she wanted some time to think. She stood in the sunlight, feeling the heat soak into her skin and warming her. She was so cold. It must have something to do with losing her powers, she'd never felt cold before. Shivering slightly, she bowed her head. "Where are you?" she prayed. "Why am I here? Did you send me with a purpose? Am I supposed to help these men? Please, Father, tell me what to do." A tear slipped quietly down her cheek, as she sighed heavily. It was pointless, no one was listening. Heaven was being run by arrogant, self-serving, power hungry angels. She had no idea what had happened to her father, or her loyal brothers and sisters. She only knew that she was here, and she would do what she was made for.

Haven had the power to heal the broken. It wasn't so much the power to mend broken bones, or disease… any angel could do that. No, her gift was for mending souls. For three hundred years she had been putting humans back together. She would look into their minds and turn into whoever they needed her to be. She'd been a nun, a counselor, a friend. She always helped, always got them back on the right track.

Never, in all those years had she encountered such self-hatred as what she saw in Sam Winchester. His brother, Dean, was running a distant second. Dean's feelings were of inadequacy and responsibility. Sam though, Sam was shrouded in doubt and despair. Haven wasn't sure why he had so much guilt. It was more than what she had seen about the Demon witch, more than the addiction that was still running in his veins. She was going to find out. He needed someone to help him, or he would die.


	4. Chapter 4

"So… you going to tell me what happened to you back there?" Dean asked, turning down the radio. "One minute we're talking, next you're on the floor having some kind of fit." Dean's lips pressed tightly together and he swallowed before continuing. His voice cracked as he said, "I didn't know what to do."

Sam's eyes shifted toward Dean, he could see the concern and fear in Dean. He wished he knew what to tell him. "I just, have these dreams."

"Like your visions, from before?"

"Yeah. I get caught up in them and they take over. Only… I'm not seeing other people, or the future." Rubbing his hands along his legs, Sam shook his head and looked back out the window. "I see Ruby. And me. I'm reliving the whole thing all over again."

"You and Ruby…."

"Sometimes." Disgusted with himself, Sam's hands fisted tightly. He was ashamed and guilty and really didn't want to talk about it.

"Okay. How can we make them stop?"

"Hell if I know, Dean," Sam snapped, the conversation was putting him on edge and his head was starting to hurt again. "I want them to stop." Pressing his fingers against his eyes to ease the ache, he took a deep breath.

"Your angel seemed to know what to do," Dean said quietly.

"_My_ angel?"

"Yeah, I saw the way you were looking at her." Dean smiled a cocky half grin and winked evilly at Sam.

"Oh, come on." Slowly, Sam's shoulders relaxed, his hands uncurled. "You know, you weren't exactly immune. You should've taken a glance in the mirror."

Dean laughed, "She is smokin."

"She's an angel, Dean." Sam allowed himself a small smile as the ache in his head eased a little.

"Yep. So was Anna."

Grinning, Sam rolled his eyes and rested his head back on the seat. "You're twisted."

"All I know is she's hot. You're obviously into her and she has something that makes you not go all crazy. Sounds like a win, win to me."

Sam smiled again, the sounds of the car and the road soothing him further.

As soon as they stepped out of the car, Sam knew something about the town was off. His heart beat quickened, his senses heightened. The colors were more vivid, and the smells… they were overwhelming. There was one smell in particular. It was familiar. "Demons." He leaned against the car as nausea rolled through his body.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine. You almost tanked out in the car and you're not lookin so hot right now. Are you sure you're up for this?"

"I said I'm fine, Dean. It's under control." Sam stood up straight, swallowing down his sudden fear. He could do this. He had to do this, it was what he did. He and Dean, fighting evil. He couldn't let Dean go alone.

-xx-

He was not fine… and it wasn't under control and he'd almost gotten his brother killed.

Dean was lying in the back seat as Sam drove. He was sliced from his shoulder down through his stomach and blood was oozing everywhere. Dean needed a hospital, but they needed to get as far away from Frenchtown, New Jersey as possible. They'd killed the son of a bitch demon that had been killing all the men in town, but not before it sent out a message to his boss letting Lucifer know Sam's whereabouts.

It was Sam's fault. He'd lost control. Everything had blacked out, right in the middle of the damned fight. He glanced back in the rear-view mirror. "Hold on, Dean."

Sam's shoulder hurt like hell. Blood ran down his arm, and he grimaced, pressing the make shift bandage against the wound. "Cas. Cas, do you hear me? I need you. Dean's hurt." Sam choked on the last word as his eyes filled. "I'm sorry," he chanted over and over.

Sam felt two fingers press against the side of his neck and a brief jolt as the gash in his shoulder healed. "Dean…"

"I've got him." Sam looked back once to see Cas leaning over Dean, his hand pressed against Dean's chest.

"Thank you." It was inadequate, but all he could think to say. Pressing down the pedal he took off down the road. At least he could do one thing right, run. Run away. Sam, bit his lip, pushing down the sadness that threatened to overwhelm him. Why did he always screw things up? Every damn time.

"What happened?" Cas leaned forward, his hands resting on the seat next to Sam.

"Demon. He was in contact with Lucifer." Sam looked over as Dean's head rolled toward the sound of his voice. "I… I fucked up. Bad."

Cas frowned, his eyes narrowing. "Sam…"

Sam interrupted, "I've gotta get us the hell away from here."

Nodding, Cas laid a hand on Sam's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Call me when you find your destination. I will bring Haven."

"Haven's still with you?" Sam's eyes widened. She should be somewhere safe. Somewhere far away from him.

"Yes, you are her new mission." Settling back, Cas took a cursory glance at Dean. "He may sleep for some time. His injuries were extensive."

"Mission?" Sam looked towards the back seat as Cas disappeared. "Wait. Cas, what did you mean- extensive. Is he going to be okay? And what mission? Cas?!" The angel was gone and Sam was alone. All he could do was drive.

It was still early when he pulled off the road to get gas. Dean still slept and Sam worried. Usually, when Cas laid his hands on you, you were healed immediately. Why was it taking so long? How close had he been to losing Dean? His hands shook as he replaced the gas cap. Images of Dean, lying on the floor dying ran through Sam's mind. He didn't even know how Dean had got there. He'd been out, unaware that his brother was being slaughtered. If he hadn't come to when he did…

He was going to throw up...

In the restroom, after emptying what little was in his stomach, Sam splashed cool water on his face. He took gulping breaths trying to get under control. His emotions were all over the place. He was terrified of what had almost happened. His feelings of guilt, shame, and regret were making it hard for him to breath. His knees gave out and he knelt on the floor, as he gasped for breath. A hand flew out to brace against the wall while sobs racked his body. Dean almost died, because of him. "He was sliced open because of me," the thought echoed through his mind over and over again.

Gritting his teeth, he willed himself to stop. He didn't have time for this; Dean was in the car. Right now, Dean needed him to get it together. Standing, he smoothed down his shirt. Using a towel he wiped his face and ran a hand through his hair. He shuddered once more before straightening his shoulders and pulling open the door. He wouldn't allow himself to break down like that again.

He stopped inside the store to get a few things. The Gas and Sip was empty, just the teller behind the counter. Sam grabbed some bananas, milk, protein bars, and orange juice. He'd need something for Dean when he woke up. He might not like it, but Sam was going to cram the stuff down his throat if it came to that.

After paying, he went back out to the Impala. Opening the back door and squatting down, he felt Dean's head to see if he had any fever. He didn't. Cas had laid Dean's jacket over him. Sam pulled it up, settling it around Deans shoulders. Dean appeared fine on the outside- he was breathing, had no fever, and he didn't look like he was in any pain. Sam hoped that he just needed to rest and would wake up soon unharmed.


End file.
